In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.



After a whole night’s train travel, I got home this morning. Everything has changed through a dark night. Just less than 24 hours passed, now what I see is not the same as yesterday. I changed. She changed. Everyone changed, in fact.

Yesterday, I was still walking on the campus as a graduate. I was still living in Beijing. I was still talking with my friends. But today, now, I’m home. I’m not a college student any more. From now on, I have to get used to live in another city. Although I’m not willing to accept everything seen in my eyes, I have no choice. It’s clearly that I can’t get back. I wish I could do that. But obviously, I could just make that stay in my dream. All those days and things have been memories. I know I can recollect those memories. Whether those memories in my brain are sweet or not, I’m sure I will recall some of them on some days.To my sadness, I can’t continue my memories. They are just memories. They won’t go on.

So I have to say "Farewell". When I wrote the title "Farewell" here, I was trying my best to keep me from thinking about what farewell is. I chose to say farewell here, not in the place where we were just because I wouldn’t control my tears if I had done that yesterday when I left. No one would like to talk about farewell. No one wished farewell to come. We were staring at farewell approaching.

Now it comes eventually. Farewell has been the fact.

"Is this our farewell?", I asked myself at times. Maybe not. But the fact is, there’s nothing but silence now. I’m alone in my life. I think I am. You can see the sadness in my eyes. I feel so lost now when you’re not by my side. I’m worry too much.

Did we have no time say goodbye. Of course we did. But we didn’t say goodbye seriously. We didn’t give each other a farewell in arms. I didn’t kiss you goodbye, either. Instead, we were just saying"I’m about to leave". We didn’t cry or express being sad. To us, it seemed nothing happened.

So, this is our farewell. But within our diction, there’s no farewell.




Yes, we have graduated!

Today, minutes ago, we had our commencement in Room 502, Teaching Building 9. After taking photos with tutors and listening to speeches of delegates of teachers and graduates, the commencement was over. We left the meeting room. It means we graduate.

Yes, we are graduates now. We have graduated from our university.

Congratulations to everyone! Best wishes for all of you!

Goodbye, my friends! Take care, everyone!

It’s not goodbye, but SEE YOU!

We’ll see each other again in future. I’m sure of that. Let’s look forward to that day when we meet again.

I miss you,my dear friends!


Baby, You Don’t Understand

Baby, you don’t understand.

That’s what I always want to tell you. I always put it in my mind. I always try not to reveal my feelings from my deep heart. I try my best to let you see an "always" me. I behave what you want me to behave. I dare not change suddenly. I dare not go further within our relationship, which you said it would be dangerous if I did it. But this time, I must tell you what I think in my mind immediately. Because I’m afraid I won’t have the opportunity to tell you in future.

Baby, you don’t understand who you are in my mind.

Baby, you don’t understand who I am in your mind.

Baby, you don’t understand why I am always concerned about you.

Baby, you don’t understand how much I miss you every day.

Baby, you don’t understand in my deep heart, there is an irreplaceable place for you.

Baby, you don’t understand you have meant something to me since we met the first time.

Baby, you don’t understand I’m worried about one day I will be what kind of person if without you.

There are a lot of "you don’t understand" that you don’t understand. Absolutely. And I must haven’t understood you a lot. Or I would be able to help you understand me.

I don’t know your status recently. I don’t know whether you are in a relationship with the same one or another, or even you are single for the time being. I don’t care. I just want to spend more seconds with you as possible as we can during the rest days before graduation. I’m sure this is not the last time we meet. We will be able to meet during our whole lifetime. We can contact each other. And I believe that we will keep in touch, just like what we did when holidays at university. However, contacting someone is different from meeting someone. I mean meeting you face to face and hand in hand. Do you understand? The fact is, I’m sure from now on, the times that we meet in real life will be fewer and fewer.

To my sadness, for this point above, you don’t understand, either. Sigh.

Last year, you asked me whether I had feelings for you in an unusual night when we chatted via IM. That night, we talked about some "deep" problems, including friendship, relationship and love. All of these were due to a few days before you told me you broke up with someone firmly and just a few hours before we chatted someone told me he saw you and someone embracing. I remembered that you asked me that question in English. I wasn’t very sure of your question. So I asked you to said it again in Chinese. But you just kept silent and never gave me a chance to speak it out. Why did you look forward to my answer? Had you know the answer in your mind? If you thought you had got the answer, what it was in your mind? I didn’t know what to answer you at that time. And I still don’t get the answer myself.

Now, when we nearly graduate, I won’t mean to talk about that troublesome problem. I won’t talk anything about relationship with you. You may not ask me about those things. We both don’t want to make us get into an embarrassing situation. We have already agreed on that point. We both know breaking the ice unilaterally is dangerous. We both try our best to keep everything between us unchanged. So, during the days before we graduate, I will treat you as a friend, a best friend. In fact, I do it all the times. Please trust me.

So why don’t you reply to me? I sent you many short messages. But you didn’t reply. I need your response, baby. I don’t know what you are doing these days. I don’t know whether you are busy.

It seems you are the second person who didn’t reply to my SMS. For any other who doesn’t reply, I don’t care. It means little to me. But for you, it means a lot. It seems you get used to keeping silent sometimes when I contact you.

Since you didn’t reply to my message, I thought you got something wrong. And I began to worry about you, even your safety. But now, it seems not. You are safe. After seeing you online, I knew you were fine. But I don’t understand why you don’t talk to me. Now that you have free time to play online games, you should be fine and could be able to talk to me. Why?

You don’t know how much I care about you. You don’t know how much I cherish you. You don’t know how much I want to see you. You don’t know how much I want to talk to you. You don’t know how much I wish to give you a hug before graduation. You just do nothing. I would rather believe it’s because your slipshod character and personality. I can’t imagine what I will do if you really mean to do it. Maybe you don’t understand you mean a lot to me.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t give me such a farewell. Baby, you don’t understand, do you?


Happy Fathers’ Day

No matter what changed or will change, we will always love our FATHERS forever.

I love this above picture very much. And this is the second time I have ever used it in entries of this space. It’s full of love, joy and understanding. I always think so.

Today is Fathers’ Day. For China, it’s an exotic festival. Meanwhile, it’s not popular enough or generally accepted by Chinese people. It’s just popular on the Internet and among the youth. And even if we know it’s Fathers’ Day today, we wouldn’t say "Happy Fathers’ Day" or "I love you, Dad" to our fathers. We don’t express love or feelings directly and intensively in public. It seems not accordant with our tradition. Maybe this is cultural difference.

Today, in a place which is more than one thousand kilometers far away from home, I expressed nothing to Dad. I didn’t say "I love you" to Dad. I didn’t mail a present to Dad. I did nothing. Because of my business, what I talked about with Dad recently were all about employment and graduation. We just talked about business, not love. Although we didn’t say nothing about love between a father and a son, I could still feel deeply love from Dad with his each word and expression. I could read his loving me.

Dad never said "Sweetheart, I love you". Dad never kissed me. Those styles are beyond Chinese styles. Dad just told me he loves me by doing whatever he can to love me. I know Dad’s loving me. Dad is concerned about my job and further education. He is worried about my future. But he never tells me his worry. He just encourages me and gives me much important advice at all times. Each time when I fail, Dad always tells me there is a promising future waiting for me, which drives me to work hard to move forward. "Keep moving and you will succeed one day," Dad says to me.

Without Dad, I can’t imagine what I were today. For me, Dad is not only Dad, I’m aware of that. Besides, I’m aware of Dad’s increasing number of nearly white hairs.

The world is changing. Time can make something changed with days passing by. While economy develops, many have faded. However, definitely, "No matter what changed or will change, we will always love our FATHERS forever." That’s what I wrote as a comment below someone’s blog entry. I believe I really do.


Where to Fly

We will graduate in about twenty days. But I haven’t receive the certain offer. I’m very worried about my being employed. Now sitting in the waiting room of the airport, I couldn’t help thinking about the direction of my flight, of my life.

Where to fly? I don’t mean the flight, I mean my job and my career.

The direction of the flight is certain. But the one of the life is not, especially mine. I can’t see where my offer is. I don’t know which city I will live in, which company or organization I will work in, whom I will work with. There are a lot of "don’t know" in my world. Even I don’t know which country I will work in during the following years. Because a state-owned company asked me whether I would be willing to work in abroad. Really very, very uncertain.

The plane is to take off soon. I have to board my plane quickly. I have to fly to an unknown place which is not very remote. I’m flying with many "not belonging to fly" factors.

What else can I do? Except waiting in front of the boarding gate. It seems the flight will be delayed because of the thunder and rain in the afternoon.

I don’t know when to fly, either.