In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.


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Holding You

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Last night, you held me in the arms several times. I wasn’t sure whether it’s by the effect of alcohol. Actually, you drank a little according to your capacity.

I heard you said a sentence on the phone with someone, “It’s not the wine that intoxicates but the drinker who gets himself drunk.”

You knew males and females should be treated differently, so you didn’t get drunk; you wanted to get my hug, it seemed you were drunk, I thought.

I didn’t know whether you were drunk or not. But, you threw up, really and painfully. We all know that one who needs a gastroscope can’t drink freely even if his capacity is great. Human beings are not made of iron, while rice can’t be steel.

You said that loving two people at the same time didn’t mean love. Well, I was wrong. That’s not love, just liking someone. But I really have “like”. May I?

You got a stomachache cause of the wine. You said you wanted coffee. So we went into the coffee shop. I ordered a cup of Blue Mountain for you while you went to the rest room. You drank a little in the shop. Then we went out. You walked and I also walked while taking this cup of coffee even in a taxi. It’s not odd that I changed the message of my IM client to “crossed over half of the city with a cup of coffee”. We all laughed while reading this message. Yes, I never thought about walking with coffee.

This cup of bitter coffee which took 30 yuan wasn’t sweet at all thought so much sugar added. It should be bitter, right? We were buying bitter somehow.

Embracing you is always my wish. I admitted I wished to pet you then. However, when the embrace really came, I did nothing with my hands except physiological reaction. I got hesitated. I was quiet.

Maybe you were really drunk and so cared little.

I remembered it’s not allowed to touch your back ever.

You heart got drunk.

Seeing you get hurt and throw up,  I was hurt, too.

When you are sober, would you still hug me? Tell me.

You lay peacefully. I just watched you but did nothing. It must be more comfortable to lay on bed than do it on the wet grassplot.

So I could set my heart rest. I promised I would look after you. Although you asked me whether I would take care of you, and you said you ever attended me, not matter what happened, I would never leave you where you were. Because I had come.

I would take you.

At this time, you still remembered you ever took me home one night when I drank so much. Clear memories.

I’d like to say, whatever you said, I just did what I should do. I didn’t treat this as the return.

You know I will always hold you, hug you, coil your hair and hand over water and handkerchiefs. I’ll do that as long as it’s necessary. Just like I took that coffee, while I knew you wouldn’t have it.

In fact, this evening, I was a bit of high. I felt dizzy on my way to you at that time. Just two bottles of Tsingtao. But I had been being not good.

You said it’s understandable to have some body contacts when men and women drank too much.

So, it’s really just a habit.

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Missed it

I missed it.

I meant to watch this solar eclipse together with you today. The news report said it comes every 500 years. Luckily, I didn’t need to go to work today. I decided to watch it. It must be very beautiful, I thought. Last week, I’ve decided to call you to enjoy this with me. It’s my plan.

But God played a joke on me. The report said the total solar eclipse would brought darkness to many places along the upper reaches of China’s longest river, the Yangtze. And the city I live was not in the list of viewing cities. So I took it for granted that in this city I couldn’t see this great scene. So I slept when the solar eclipse occurred. However, in fact, there was darkness when the solar eclipse came.

I was stupid. I didn’t know it until you asked me whether I got up to see it after a few hours when we met. At that time, I knew I missed it. I regretted and blamed you for not telling me to be with you. You just replied, “Why did I need to call you to be together with me?” Yes, why did you? There’s no why.

Comparing with each other, we’re not in the same place of the other’s affection. This reason could explain it well. It also indicates there will be no good outcome. Since the total solar eclipse come to the earth every 500 years, it means I miss it forever. There’s no chance.

I missed it. Meanwhile, I’ve already missed you.

I just can’t accept seeing you run away.


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Hot

It’s hot for a few weeks. Very hot. And my body has been burning by the hot weather. I don’t want to say any word. I don’t want to eat anything. There’s nothing I need. I’m trapped in chaos.

Now I find that you must learn to bear something. Experience is wealth. They told me. Or they use it to comfort me.

It’s easy for us to meet troubles. Failure can be easily “made” by us. Especially when we are growing up. Is that right?

Now I’m being so low. I want to get some changing. I don’t like the working environment for the time being. But what I only hear is chance will get to me, but please be patient to wait.

I’m still naive.

Sometimes, I’m disappointed. I know I can’t be. But it’s hard to control your mind while being tortured.

I’d like to share every word with you. And you just said some words and then disappeared. You’re busy. I robbed your time.

Sorry.


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So Bad

I’m not fine.

I’m not good.

I’m being the lowest.

It’s not easy to perform well at work. Office things are so complicated. How could I finish my job with a satisfying result? I need good endings. I need happiness. I don’t want to be looked down.

It’s not easy to do this kind of job. I get little after working in this city for a year.

Maybe it’s a fault to come here and work for this.

Now I find out that.