In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.

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Just Confused

For days, since the beginning of this term I feel very confused. So many things happened. And somebody infective. All these are perplexing so that I often have a bee in my head. I didn’t mean to do that. But it happened.

Oh, my God! As a child, I always dreamed to be a adult who could do many things which children couldn’t do. I made a naive mistake, I find at this time of day. More and more problems will be dealt with when we grow up. Two years ago, when I was a freshman, I didn’t need to consider too much, just had fun. No one can restrict you. Nothing either. Dad would do remitting of money on schedule. You just needed to do what pigs did every day. Actually, these two light-hearted years has past. And I will be 21 years old soon. Everything doesn’t looks like what they appeared before any more.

I am changing. You are changing. All the world is changing. What could I do in this changing world while changing people are nearby?

You must know I don’t want to beside myself. I expect I am doing the right. No matter whom I do these for? Me, the family, or sb.? I don’t know and I don’t want to know at the moment.

Suddenly I become aware that being a junior is too tiring. You cannot help but think deeply so as to doubt whether you are covered with gloomy days. It’s painful, I swear. But every day it is a sunny day here. Am I played tricks on? Who knows? I wish an answer.

This summer at home, Dad talked a lot with me about the graduate admission examination. I know he is ambitious for his son. And I have great ambition all the time. School work, career, life, all these are what I desire for. Nobbut at present proper plans haven’t been found. Long long way.

And this Saturday I will take NCRE for vfp. I haven’t been ready. Sitting on bed for days, but no word in mind. At this time, book is a stranger to me. At home in August I reviewed the book every night. But I couldn’t concentrate on books after back to school. I wonder WHY. Not only my own issues, but also the family & the others. Especially some boresome things influence me much. They are not critical for the moment. But I can’t control myself. Dad told me not to take much time to find out where the true love is while studying. I am breaking my word. Sorry. I’m afraid that I have known what to do after sth. firmed my judgement. It’s on the road.

I have treated this Space as the bank of my wet heart. I dare to say. Though here is more lonely than  before. Fewer come here to feel the solitude. From Live Space statistics, you just see zero below number of people visited. Anyway, I would like to share my mood and mind here.

Lost time is never found again.

And so far so good. This is all of myself.