In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.


A Sensible Man


I am a man who thinks a lot of being rational during my life. I like philosophy, because of dialectic thinking; I like maths, because of accurate calculation. I like science and knowledge. So I always regard me as a rational man. And I am proud of this narcissistic title. But now, I find that I am a sensible man eventually. A man of two different characters, that sounds unbelievable!

But it’s the fact. Or you can say I am an emotional person.

Once one of my female friends told me her own criterions of being a real man. "A man should be expansive and generous. He must have long views and great ambitions. He doesn’t need to care about trifles. Otherwise, he would be a sissy." She said. I know what she said make sense. But I just couldn’t be one like that. Because I think life of this kind is imperfect.

I’m afraid of graduation and holidays. I have a nice school report each semester. But I still want the final not to come. Why? When a term ends up, we begin our holidays at home. That is to say, I will be not able to see my classmates and teachers for one or two months. But I do miss them. A month seems too long to me. What’s more, after graduation, most of schoolmates won’t meet again till they are all old. It’s cruel. So I look depressed sometimes while in holidays.

For people I care a lot, I always have them in mind. I look forward to their faces and voices very much. I want to see them anytime and anywhere. I know it’s impossible. I still dream about this.

And I have a country sickness. For being homesick, every summer or holiday I live home as long as possible. Then I would have more time to spend with my family. However, I have to return to school when a new term begins.

So every time when parting happens, I tell myself a fact, every story has a final. It could comfort me a little, maybe.

I fear of having feelings for someone. Presently I’m a man without love. I expect love. Meanwhile I daren’t fall in love. I know that we will leave each other one day. Unless there is a miracle between us. Your being my confidante is a miracle, may I wish another miracle happens? I have always been dreaming of you every night. What will be the next step?

That’s what a sensible man worries about. Not only himself, but also one deep inside of him.

And it seems no substitution yet.



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Start off on the Long March

Secret tellingEvery day we have many things to do. And at present the most important thing is Preparations for the Graduate Candidate Test. Next January I will take part in the entrance exams for postgraduate schools. Now I contribute my whole body to what is called Graduate Study. In China we call it "kao-yan".
   Whereas I call it as The Long March. And I have been on the way.
   Two weeks ago, I saw a graduate study count down timer in a website. My heart was beaten deeply all of a sudden. Oh, my God! Only half a year left. Time waits for no one. I must take action right now.
   So I returned to my university in the early of August. You know, home is such a comfortable place that you can’t concentrate on your work but enjoy slack daily life. Out of question, everything at home is more attractive. But no pains, no gains. A lit bad living condition equals nothing.
   I just need to focus on preparations.
   Now I get up early in the morning. Then I pedal to have a politics coaching class in another university nearby. I need to stay there through the daytime. In the evening I go to the classroom to review the books. That’s my schedule for the whole day.
   I know that these days I will enjoy a little and endure much. But I couldn’t find a better way.
   What I need most is confidence. But nobody can bring it to me. I feel lonely when I sit alone in the classroom. I wanna call for study companion. Unfortunately, everyone has his own business. He or she couldn’t accompany you all the day. It sounds like the unrequited love. Always response seems impossible.
   In a word, I must get ready and do everything to tide me over all by myself.
   He conquers who endures.