In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.


Thank You All

Finally, I have to end this. I have to accept it. This cozy life and working style will be over right now.

I don’t want to see it happen. But I have no choice. It’s the decision from the high level leaders. What can I do? Damn it! I could only do this.

During these four months, after I came to be on board, I did the job of Personal Internet Banking, especially USB-Key marketing. It’s much more comfortable than being a counter teller. While, generally speaking, most new staff must do this as the first position after work. So, I was a little bit lucky.

Every day, other workmates must get up very early and began to work. At that time, I was still dreaming in bed. I could get up at 9 o’clock. Or I could stay at home rather not go to the office.

In the noon, the tellers couldn’t leave from their working place. They had to make the lunch disappeared as soon as possible. And then went on working.

In the afternoon, at 4:30 pm, I was in the way of going home. But the tellers would work till 6:00 pm, maybe. Even, in the evening, they must attend a meeting.

The tellers don’t know what weekend is. They have to work day and day. They work very hard, but can’t get enough salaries and respect. That’s their working style. But I fooled around between the bank and my house, did little work, got not very few salaries and pretended to be a high level clerk with holding a business card printed Client Manager in Department of ***, *** Provincial Branch of *** Bank. Many people and even workmates though I came from the superior office as a supervisor. Funny, right?

I worked for five days a week. I worked for fewer than 8 hours a day most of time. I had days off when the festival came. To what extent, I could make some day off if I wanted. How comfortable my job was! Yes, it was that it was.

But now all of these things are over. The USB-Key marketing program is over in advance. Tomorrow I will have to get up early and get back to the business hall of the Sub-Branch which I was allocated in. I don’t know what position I’ll get or what I’ll do. I just know it will be very difficult tomorrow. I will be tired. I won’t feel it easy. That’s all.

Although I’m not willing to give up the current position, in fact, no one is, I have to obey the orders. After shouting out some complaints, I would like to say Thank You here.

Thank you all.

G.M. Chen, G.M. Wen, Secretary Zhu, Manager Wang, group partner Yang, team associates, and people who gave me help and instruction, thank you. I appreciate your help very much. I’m pleased to work with you people.

These several months, I did things that a new comer couldn’t do, I met people that a new comer couldn’t meet, I said words that a new comer couldn’t say, and I was someone who a new comer couldn’t be. I’m happy. I’m satisfied. I know I’m lucky. One can’t ask for things without give better things.

I’m what I am. I’m a rookie in the bank. I must learn to enjoy pains in work.

We thought we could be in the heaven. Actually, we were always on the earth and now we will fall into the hell. That’s what I meant to say in the summary meeting two days ago. I told myself it’s the biggest regret when managers asked us what it was. And I’m clear that from now on, maybe I won’t get into the building, located in No. 233 Fuhe North Road for a long time.

Tomorrow, I will work hard.

At first, I have to get up early. 



Sorry, I Was Drunken

Sorry, I was drunken. 

In a restaurant, in the evening of Valentine’s Day, I got drunken. That should have been a beautiful evening, I think.

I didn’t know what exact time I began to be drunken. I didn’t know what I were doing and saying while drunken. I didn’t know when I was taken home and by whom. I didn’t know what I did through the whole night? I just knew I drank three bottles of white wine, almost half a kilogram. It exceeded my limit too much.

I’m really sorry about that, baby. I didn’t mean to make it happen. I thought I was able to handle those damned bottles. But the fact is, I couldn’t finish that. I did it, but not successfully at last. The alcohol cheated my head. It didn’t tell my the truth that I couldn’t drank such much until I lost control of myself. Neither the body nor the mind. It made me get in an unconscious situation. How terrible it was!

Till several minutes past nine, the next morning, I waked up and got my consciousness back difficultly. Meanwhile, the bad headache came. It really hurt me with a whole day long.

I found I was lying on the bed of my house. I didn’t know why. So I called some who I had the dinner with last night. After making some phone calls, I almost knew what happened after I got drunken last night. And I was also told that who helped me home. But for what I did and what I said on earth, they said little.

That’s what I want to make it clear.

Because I could feel that something changing after that evening. I am still who I am. However, maybe, I am not what I always am in someone’s eyes. Or I did something that someone didn’t want me to do. I might say something that someone didn’t want me to say. I must have done things someone dislikes. What I said from the mouth probably hurt someone. Something happened on me make someone hate me somewhat. It must be something.

I could feel the difference, absolutely. Even the taste of the air. It’s the different attitude someone takes of towards me that makes me upset. How it came into being?

So baby, please tell me what the hell I said to you that night. You know I was being drunken, so if did something that made you get into some embarrassment, please forgive me.

Was I wrong? What is my fault? Tell me. Then I will tell you it’s not from my true mind at all.

"Do you know I care a lot for you?"

"Just be with me for another minute, please!"

I just remember these two sentences. I didn’t know how many times I repeated them when you were with me. These were what I said at that time while being drunken. And they are also what I want to say any minute, when I am clear-headed.

Whatever I said at that time, if I mean it, I really meant it; if I don’t mean it, then I didn’t mean it. I just want you to make sure of it. You must know what I would like to tell you. So forget about those words you don’t want to hear. Let them go.

Although I can’t remember the details when you were together with me by my side, I really enjoy those moments. I’ll remember the hours when you hugged me and kept me from more deeply pains. That will be a piece of memory that I can’t tell the details about it, while I know it really exists.

If it could happen again, I wish I would stay with you peacefully without saying any word. Nothing is better than leaning close to you in your bosom.

I know there must be something so that I let you down.

I’m listening to a sad song for the whole night. I don’t wish to feel your message of saying goodbye.

"Do you like wine?" 

"Yes, really."

"Do you trust me?"

"Why I doubt?"


First Kiss

In the last entry, I promised that I would talked about First Kiss seriously and formally. That’s true. Now, I’ll write something about what I think about that First Kiss.

While you type the two words FIRST KISS in Google, you will find many interesting things. Especially for me, a poor man who doesn’t know what kiss is. Even, it teaches how to have a first kiss.

So buddies, did you ever have a kiss?

If did, when did you have your first kiss? Whom you kissed? Where it occurred? Were you kissing or being kissed at that time? How did you feel? How it happened and continued?

If not, like me, don’t be depressed. Then do you look forward to it? Are you ready to kiss or be kissed? Is there a special someone that you want to kiss? When will you have it according to your expectation?

Sorry, so many questions. Just curious.

Why human beings kiss? How they kiss? What can kiss give them? I always think about that.

Many people around me had the first kiss, though they’re not elder than me. Sometimes, I asked them about the feeling of kissing someone or being kissed by someone when I was bored. Everyone told me his feeling. They all sounds attractive. And of course, different. Anyway, I can get a signal that the kissing process is so nice that you are eager to have it.

Is that true?

When I have it, I will be able to see whether it’s true or not. Then I can prove it, I think.

Unfortunately, I searched for some pages before writing this entry. It impressed the pictures and words on my mind. Now that I can’t say more points about this kiss, I’d like to copy some short paragraphs about kiss here. I’ll tell something meaningful once I have it. I promise.

By the way, Happy Valentine’s Day as the day comes.


If you haven’t yet experienced your first kiss, it can be a daunting challenge. For the purposes of this article, we’re going to pretend we’re all heterosexual, but apply the tips as you like!



  1. Have a mint. Make sure you are kissably fresh.
  2. Lean in and make eye contact. Lean your head on your guy’s shoulder as if you are about to fall asleep. Look up at him – if his arm goes around to let you in, go for the kiss. If not, or or he doesn’t seem to be taking things the same way you are, he might not be ready yet. Just relax for now.
  3. Look at his lips. Drop your gaze and your eyelids to half mast, then slowly, look back up at him and give him a little welcoming smile.
  4. Relax and be at ease about it. If he doesn’t go for the kiss, accept it and don’t push. Wait for another moment, either later in the date, or another time.
  5. Let him know you want to kiss. Reaching up to twine your arms around his neck, or lightly play with the hair at his neckline will let him know you are ready to get up close and personal.
  6. Take the lead. Some guys are very shy. Even those who aren’t have been drilled over and over about unwelcome touching. Consider lightly kissing him on the cheek to show him that you’re okay with touch. Guys have a reputation as being pervs, but a lot of boys worry about going too far.
  7. Invite him to kiss you. Yep, some boys really do need an engraved invitation. Let’s say you’ve tried to show him you’re ready, and he looks interested, but you just can’t get him to (A) let you kiss him, or (B) kiss you, then just ask him, "Couldn’t we just be kissing right now?" If he doesn’t kiss you then, he isn’t going to.


  1. Don’t be Shy Girls want you to kiss them. If you like a girl, tell her you love her if you didn’t tell her that yet.
  2. Have a mint. Make sure you are kissably fresh.
  3. Respect her privacy. Most girls will not want to make out in front of others, especially if this is her first kiss. Find the right time when you can be alone. Privacy is the key.
  4. Watch for signals. Watch carefully, because sometimes the signals can be confusing – she may flirt with you, then smack you on the head. These may just be coy games, or she may really be conflicted. Ask yourself these questions: Did you and your date seem to have a cozy, warm, close time together? Has she been flirting with you through body language? Has she licked her lips, or bit her lower lip while looking at you? Has she found excuses to touch you often? If you feel confident of these things, prepare to kiss!
  5. Make eye contact. If she is comfortable and doesn’t look away then she is ready.
  6. Lean in slowly. Don’t swoop in like a condor! Make it slow, nice, easy, romantic.
  7. Hold her. Do not use a first kiss as your personal excuse to grope, grab, or get too familiar. Be a gentleman, for heaven’s sake. Reach around her waist, gently draw her toward you (again, gentlemen, do not squish her up against you and then grind your pelvis against her).
  8. Look into her eyes. Notice how we mention eye contact twice? Very important, amigo. Let her know that you are really seeing her.
  9. Look at her lips. Aim, dude. Make sure you know where you’re going. Lean in, and go in for the kiss.
  10. Walk that fine line and make it a really excellent kiss. You don’t want to give her a chaste little peck. You also don’t want to (well, you may want to, but don’t!) shove your tongue down her throat. An excellent first kiss is one that is romantic, tender and memorable. Your mouth should not be overly opened or closed, and it shouldn’t be mushy or too tight (relax). Don’t let it go too long (more than, say, 20 seconds) or let it be too short (3 seconds is not enough) – think around 10 seconds or so. A tiny hint of tongue is nice if she seems willing, but make it flirtatious and not insistent.
  11. Wait for her response. Just remain silent and smile, better yet hug her, ending the first kiss in a lovely, intimate moment.



  • Keep in mind that many are shy about kissing — but this doesn’t mean they don’t want to kiss you. Pay attention to body language. If you think your someone might be suffering from this ailment, try kissing them! Just be mindful of their reaction. If they pull away, or are surprised or otherwise not interested in the kiss, be mature about it and don’t take it personally. You can try again later unless you are rebuffed flat out.
  • Carry Lip balm, or lip gloss (preferably lip balm)
  • The fastest way to have a first kiss is just to get close to the person and kiss them. Most people won’t complain. However, it is more fun if you spend an intimate evening with that person first.
  • A good way to have a first kiss is the "coward’s date" — going to a movie. Simple, but effective. Hopefully your crush will hold your hand – everyone has hormones, after all – and then you gradually get closer until you’re as close as you can be without kissing. She/he should get the message soon, and if she/he doesn’t, perhaps she/he’s just not ready.
  • If you know for a fact he wants to kiss you – for instance, he’s told your friends – but he’s just nervous, don’t be afraid to ASK him! It does work.
  • If you don’t mind having an impersonal first kiss, join in on a game of Truth or Dare. The most popular dare is to kiss someone. Be warned though: you may end up kissing someone you don’t much fancy (unless you get a friend to dare your crush to kiss you). The same is true for Spin the Bottle.
  • Avoid kissing straight-on, noses may get in the way.
  • Keep your eyes closed during a first kiss. It will be awkward to be cross-eyed looking at them while kissing. Also, it is rude to have your eyes open during a kiss. It might put the wrong message across, and make your partner think you are criticizing his kissing.
  • If you ever feel uncomfortable, then maybe it’s not the right person.
  • Do not worry about details – how much to tilt your head, when to close your eyes, how long to stay, etc. Everyone has intuition and kissing is a very intuitive activity. It will all turn out fine.
  • Don’t just kiss someone out of the blue to see what its like to kiss, have your first kiss with someone you love.



  • Make sure you don’t have any food stuck in your teeth or braces.
  • Make sure your breath smells good.
  • Watch out for mono (mononucleiosis) or HSV-1 known as oral herpes.
  • Make sure the person you are about to kiss does not have things in their teeth.
  • Keep in mind, that it might taste a bit mushy at first, but you’ll get used to it.
  • If the guy has a little beard scruff, keep kissing short – too intense, or too long, and the girl can get a "whisker burn" on her chin or around her lips – very embarrassing.
  • Don’t kiss anyone if they have a cold sore or something else around their mouth area it could be a sign of oral herpes.
  • Make sure you don’t miss their mouth, kissing their nose or eye
  • You will freak out, yes.
  • Afterwards, you will feel really good inside, and might want to do it again soon another time!
  • Don’t chew gum during a kiss, you don’t want it to go in to her mouth!
  • Don’t go bragging to everyone next day, that you just kissed a cute girl. Keep it quiet, keep it special. Keep it YOUR special first kiss. Tell a few mates, but don’t go into details. Only you alone were there, and you should keep it that way.


    Stolen Kiss


    Kiss here I mean is about the "real" kiss. So, kiss happening between kids and parents is not what we  talk about today. Obviously, we talk about kiss while love happens with. It’s that kind of kiss that I called it the real one.

    Actually, now, I’m being a little bit ashamed for a cruel fact that I still don’t know what first kiss the hell is, though I talk loudly about it. I don’t know what taste of the first kiss, either.

    Tonight, I put up a sentence "Hope you could remember the feelings when I stole a kiss from you" as a private message in IM software. Then after a few hours, a female friend sent me a surprising emotion and asked me whom I kissed. I told here it’s not her and asked her to guess. Of course she didn’t know about it. She just repeated what I typed before and asked whether it’s true. I replied with a word "undeserved".

    "What’s going on?" she asked.

    "I just copied a sentence from a webpage here," I said.

    "Are you touched very much by this sentence?" she asked.



    "So many feelings,".

    "Do you yearn for this kind of feeling so much? Or you ever did the same thing as it says?"

    "Never. Just wonder what the hell that kind of feeling is,".

    "It must be a kind of feeling that is very, very nice and sweet,".

    "I trust your conclusion,".

    "Trusting me or not has nothing to do with this," she laughed. "You’d better experience it."

    "What I could do is only this. No other option. You don’t give me a chance to get an experience,".

    "I have nothing to do with this, don’t I?"

    "Because you asked me as the first one,".

    "So you would ask the one for something if he or she asked you?"

    "Exactly. I have no better choice,".

    "I asked you for it because you asked," I added that.

    "Then let K ask,".

    "Why she?"

    "You like K. Everybody knows that," she said. "It’s a good chance to make you two being together."

    "Come on, X. I hate you a bit. You don’t take the responsibility, but set her up."

    "Hah, hah, hah!"


    Like what I wrote above, I first titled this entry First Kiss. Because if I had a kiss, it would be the first kiss of mine. I gave a word FIRST to express my thirsty. Then, while I was writing, word by word, it’s changed to Stolen Kiss as the title. For STOLEN is nicer than FIRST. The more important thing is I could only steal it if I want to know what it is. It sounds very strange. I also think so. But I can’t find a better expression to tell my feelings.

    If I go to steal a kiss right now, it will be my first kiss. That’s it. Although the title is about STOLEN, I would like to know what my first kiss is more. In other words, STOLEN is just a form. While FIRST means the matter of it.

    Steal… It sounds illegal.

    Why steal?

    Because the one you want to kiss won’t let you kiss her or she’s not very willing to kissed by you. You can’t do it by force. But you don’t want to give up. So you steal.

    Sorry, full of disordered logistic in my words. I even don’t know what the hell I would like to tell. Well, I’ll tell a story to end tonight’s writing. Next time I want to talk about First Kiss seriously.

    It’s the story that the word STOLEN came to my head. It’s a love story and of course still continues with its own way.

    The leading actor is a girl. Calling her the leading actress is more precise. Accidently, she met a boy and stayed with him for several hours because they needed to work for something together. But just because of this, this girl was clicked. She fell in love with that boy. While at that time, the boy didn’t think so. It seems the girl was carrying the torch with much confidence. It really was then.

    The girl told the boy that she loved him. And he didn’t accept it. But the girl didn’t want to give up. She took actions with being active and brave. She sent some ambiguous short messages containing love information to the boy every day. She dated him on her own initiative. Even, she would kiss the boy suddenly at the moment when they were just friends. She succeeded to do it several times. It made the boy shamefaced.

    But the girl was happy. She stole kisses from the boy. She thought it as the expression of her loving him. A girl would like to kiss the boy and had to get it by stealing it with making a surprise attack. It’s so funny, right? People said her very brave. So did I.

    Besides, I associate it with some other words. Minx, debauchery, profligacy… Oh, my God! What am I thinking? As a boy, I’m telling a story about a girl chasing a boy. It’s just about pure love matters. But I…

    Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I nearly messed it up.

    This time I added a song as background music before the first paragraph began. It’s From Silence, a film theme of Platonic Sex, one of Ai JiMa’s movies. I don’t say I like the movie. I mean I’m fond of that song.

    Click on the icon to play it. music_note