In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.


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Complex Feelings

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Broke up, you typed this phrase out next to your QQ nickname. That’s what you were telling.

I saw it while having supper with a big bowl of rice. I couldn’t believe what I saw. So I called you. On the phone, you sounded very quiet. It seemed nothing happening. No one could feel any difference. You were still the one you ever were on the line. Without any evidence, you broke up with someone. Maybe we were outsiders, so we didn’t see the evidence. And you told me that’s true.

Oh, yes, it’s really true. Whether I believed it or not. The fact did exist.

I tried to say something to comfort you. But you said you are OK. I said I could come and be with you. But you said it’s not necessary.

That phrase gave me a big surprise. And then your peaceful behavior gave me another surprise. Your heart mustn’t be peaceful. But you showed very strong appearance. That’s painful.

You’re special.

I know it’s not easy to handle this.

You just asked for personal space. You’re much more mature on this kind of things than me.

But what can I say?

I just know I care a lot about you. I’ve told you. Besides, I couldn’t make it clear.

It’s complex for me. It’s hard to tell which side I am on. I have no idea what result is the best. I hope you could be happy every minute. I also don’t want to see you far away from me. Impossible to be together and not willing to give it up. That’s the point. On this point, you can say I’m selfish. It’s difficult to find a way which can give both of us happiness. As far as we see, the best choice is to keep everything between us stable. We can talk. We can walk. We can play. That’s enough, right?

Feelings sometimes are complex. You know what you think is not right. But you can’t stop it. You can’t get it under control.

I don’t know what the hell makes me care about everything you do and every word you tell. It’s magic. It’s mysterious.

It’s so nice to smell you and see you smiling.

I want to kill my feelings and focus on work. Burying the body in my work can make me forget someone and something temporarily. But it only works for a few hours. When my head gets back to be free, I fall into missing it again.

I would like to say people always wish to get something. They don’t know whether they deserve it. They don’t know whether they do the right thing. That’s because they can’t be satisfied. Never.

Complex feelings hurt me a lot. Is it greedy for me?

Are you really all right?

Why God favors me so many of these things?

I wish to be a stone. Then I would not torture me with filling these in my mind.

Everything comes back to the earth.

Let time smooth all of them. 


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Promotion

I got a promotion. I supposed to be excited. People around me thought it good.

But I was not.

The new position is Corporate Relationship Manager. What the hell is it? I have no idea.

I could have got a better one. Something happened and I made a mistake. It made my competition weakened. People thought I was unlucky. So did I. I just met it. So I was involved.

Saying anything couldn’t be helpful. The fact is it happened. No one could ignore it.

Some told me not to be low. They said I should do the work well and then I would get what I should have got. The problem was just time waiting, they said.

God gave me a hard cheese to enjoy. I could only complain about it that  way. I admitted that I was lack of a little bit of luck.

Now I’m waiting for handover. Then I will begin on my new position. At that time, I will have my own office and resources. That’s a completely different beginning. It means I have to do everything from zero.

Everything is new again.

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