In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.

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   I am a man who likes thinking very much. Every day, I always think of
something as long as my head is "free". But things in my mind are not
always close to reality. It’s better to say that I am a man who likes fantasy.
   As time goes by, these days I think a lot about the Graduate Candidate Test. As a junior, I must decide where I will go. Going to work or further education? At present, further education is the better choice.
   But in China, examinations are difficult. Especially you want to enter famous universities. You will compete with many excellent students. So you must get high scores. It sounds terrible.
   I want to be successful next January. I want to be a graduate student and continue my study in one of the most famous universities. Every minute I think about this.
   Last night one of my friends told me a fact that this year girls in a department of our college all got their admission notices. But no boy did. Does it imply that I will get into a lot of troubles? And pains after failure?
   What she told me just makes me nervous. Am I daydreaming? And is it a fantasy?
   Better not be. 
   It wouldn’t be.



Why Suicide

    In the world where we live, there are many problems. Political, economic, public, private, etc. But now, the serious problem is that, more and more people have the suicide attempt in the ivory tower.
    This week more than 5 students suicided merely in Beijing. And most of them are postgraduate students in the most famous universities. In others’ eyes, they are excellent students and have bright future. But they chose to "fly" to another heaven.
    What happened? Why suicide?
    I can’t believe their choices.
    This Tuesday, a girl postgraduate student jumped to death at the Science & Technology Building of BNU. I was having my class at the Electronic Building which is 100m far from the S & T Building then. I wasn’t conscious of what was happening at all. Till the evening, a schoolmate told me about that when we chatted. Oh, my God! Unbelievable! What a pity!
    That girl will graduate from the College of Art and Communication in July. This college is the best art college in mainland China. And her research supervisor is a professor of high prestige in that field. Out of question, she will have a good job. And wonderful life, too. Unfortunately, she chose suicide.
    I never heard of that girl before. Even I don’t know her name till now. But people around her gave her high praise. They said that she was a beautiful and good student. She did a lot of things in BNU. She got splendid achievements. Not only in study, but also in society work. According to their words, she was perfect. Such a nice girl chose suicide. Shouldn’t we consider a lot about this?
   We don’t know what she did recently. We don’t know what she thought recently. However, we know that she was hurt deeply. She bore so heavy pressure that she couldn’t survive. Long time living under the heavy pressure beyond our imagination. That must be very very deep hurt. A poor girl.
    What can I say? I don’t wanna criticize her death. Just wish her have a eternal rest. Amen!
    And at school, what does Chinese education system give to us? Knowledge in textbooks and scores in examinations, then NOTHING else.



Please lady, please, lady, don’t just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you why I’m all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won’t you share a part of a weary heart
that has lived a million lies

   I just listen to this song ceaselessly and introspect. I know that I’ve never been to me.
   But I don’t know why. Just because some sentences someone talked to me, I thought a lot. Actually, that is none of my business. However, I have gotten myself into two other people’s love game. I saw a lot of things that I shouldn’t have seen. I said a lot of things that I shouldn’t have said. And I thought a lot of things that I shouldn’t have thought. How can I do that? I have made myself out of control tonight.
   That’s my fault, YY.
   I’m very sorry for that. I didn’t mean to do that.
   Once I was proud of my maturity and nous. Right now I found that it’s a big joke. People and the environment around me are changing every day. We can’t know what will happen tomorrow. I consider this world as too ideal. On the contrary, it couldn’t be perfect. I’m so naive.
   I couldn’t help asking myself what all these things mean. As a outlier, I have no right to ask her what to do or what not to do.  That’s her business. She can handle it well. No sorry, no interpretation for me.
   Whatever, I am a stander-by.
   Like you said, I should be pleased for your choice.
   But I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you.

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Rockets, Please Don’t

Houston Rockets, what a nice name! And powerful too.
But yesterday, they didn’t play as soon as they could.
They lost Game 7 at series. First-round loss again!
Rockets, please don’t.
They had a 2:0 lead. But now they lost.
I don’t know why. How can they do that?
The failure makes me very sad, deeply sad.
Yao & T-Mac, could you get the NBA world championship before you retire? You are both super stars. But you don’t have the rings.
What about next year? The year after next?
You need to be more strong, both in mind and body.
图文:[NBA]火箭vs爵士 麦迪杀入篮下


Tonight I wanna cry

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There’s pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I’ll never get over you walkin’ away
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
But I’m just drunk enough to let got of my pain
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
But I’m just drunk enough to let got of my pain
From my eyes
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
Tonight I wanna cry
From my eyes
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you’re gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It’s gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I’ll never get over you by hidin’ this way
Tonight I wanna cry
I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
But I’m just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

    I don’t know why. I just feel better when I listen to music. The most beautiful feelings come with me while songs playing themselves. Even that is, music gives me comfort and inspiration. No matter how my mood is, either happy or sad, I would like to feel the songs I like, especially when I think something.
   So, it is, this evening I want to cry, I listen to one of songs of Keith Urban, Tonight I wanna Cry. Again and again, without stop. Just feel the sound from my earphones. It’s very nice, I think. Though I don’t immerse myself in the happiness of long holiday.
    I am not delighted. I cannot.
    As May comes, we have a seven days’ holiday because of International Labor Day. China government call it golden week. People travel and play in this week. That’s visual and funny. However, I am very depressed these days. I don’t know what to do in this long holiday.
   Some go home, some travel in Beijing or other places, and some find part-time jobs. But what did I do on the past two days? I did day-dreaming in bed in the daytime, and surfed on the Internet at midnight. Then when the sun rose, I went to sleep. All of these are my recent life contents. It sounds too bad.
   But I have no other choice.
   This afternoon someone asked why I didn’t go outside to have fun. I just smiled and told him that I had a lot of homework to do. What a pretty lie!
   I have been getting ready for tomorrow’s dating. Maybe I could have told him that point.