In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.


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September Is Gone

September is gone, to me, exactly.

September means so much to students in China. I believe it also does in most of countries in the world. Because we register for the new academic year in autumn. And there are two working in educational industry. So September means more to me.

September means another new beginning to me every year. After summer holidays, when September came, I began to tidy up my sportful mind and went to school again. It could be said that September gave me new life since I went to the primary school as a pupil.

Every year, September is like an inflexion point which can take me some differentiation. When September came, it seemed I was one year older in "school age". It meant I grew up, at least in schooling. It gave me re-birth. It wasn’t odd that I cherished September very much. Actually, I always cherish September. I’m sure I’ll do that like what I did in the past sixteen years.

But September is gone.

Although I’m not willing to see it happen, it really happens. From now on, I must adapt myself to life without September. I must tell myself there is no September anymore in my calendar. Instead, what God leaves to me are just weekdays and weekends.

Originally, I meant to title this September The Last September. But now, when I was ready to write something, I found I was completely wrong. It’s September when I was a senior at university that is the last September.

I’ve been aware that September won’t belong to me again, even if only once. So I’ve started out to pursue my new September.

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Unkown about Everything

  Hey, what’s going on?
  What can I say? I just feel unkown about everything. I have no idea of my schooling, my career plan and even my future. Someone asked me about my ideas in the following year. I told him nothing. What could I do except keeeping silence? The problem is I have no specific plan. Cause I don’t know what exactly is my goal in life.
  Further more, I haven’t done anything valuable in these two months. What I have been doing most frequently is just sleeping. Or even fooling around on bed. It sounds funny, doesn’t it?
  For myself, I don’t even know what I am doing.
  I need some directions. I want to make it clear which way my future should lead to.
  Family wants me to be a postgraduate student. And so do I.But I know it’s not easy to be. Many students are competing with me. And I am not very self-confident. Now I am worried about the days if I fail.
  I must make a schedule imediately. May it smooth my fickle heart.Rainbow


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Go on or Not

  Imitating a prevalent saying nowadays, to go on or not, it’s a question.
  It’s really a question.
  Eight months ago, I signed up this space as an English-witten blog. In fact, I had signed up a space two years ago. I published many entries in this previous space. I wrote some of them in Chinese, and the others in English. As entries increased, I thought that one page composed of two different languages looked like a bit of rough-and-tumble. So I had this space come out here. It’s a good idea at that time, I think. And it turned out to be very nice.
  I tried to publish entries as many as I could. I regarded this space as a particular place where I communicated with the outside. Not only could I practice my English writing, but also I could tell all over the world what I thought. So I called one of its functions "to be international". Even I indeed made some foreign friends. It seems a success. 
  Nevertheless everything is changing. The situation varies every day. I find fewer acquaintances visit this space. Page views sometimes 0 within a day. What a pity! It means only I visit this space myself. Nobody else. I write something, and then I read it several times to myself. That’s it. Only me know the details of this blog. Occasionally, some strangers come and add a comment. But they just drop in and don’t care the inside of your heart. In other words, the blog makes no sense.
  I didn’t mean to let it happen. But it did.
  I really want you to understand what I am thinking and everything deep inside me. Now that you don’t care everything here, then whom I write these words for? What should I do? Shall I go on to update the blog like before?
  Could you tell me, baby?
BoyGirl


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A Sensible Man

 

I am a man who thinks a lot of being rational during my life. I like philosophy, because of dialectic thinking; I like maths, because of accurate calculation. I like science and knowledge. So I always regard me as a rational man. And I am proud of this narcissistic title. But now, I find that I am a sensible man eventually. A man of two different characters, that sounds unbelievable!

But it’s the fact. Or you can say I am an emotional person.

Once one of my female friends told me her own criterions of being a real man. "A man should be expansive and generous. He must have long views and great ambitions. He doesn’t need to care about trifles. Otherwise, he would be a sissy." She said. I know what she said make sense. But I just couldn’t be one like that. Because I think life of this kind is imperfect.

I’m afraid of graduation and holidays. I have a nice school report each semester. But I still want the final not to come. Why? When a term ends up, we begin our holidays at home. That is to say, I will be not able to see my classmates and teachers for one or two months. But I do miss them. A month seems too long to me. What’s more, after graduation, most of schoolmates won’t meet again till they are all old. It’s cruel. So I look depressed sometimes while in holidays.

For people I care a lot, I always have them in mind. I look forward to their faces and voices very much. I want to see them anytime and anywhere. I know it’s impossible. I still dream about this.

And I have a country sickness. For being homesick, every summer or holiday I live home as long as possible. Then I would have more time to spend with my family. However, I have to return to school when a new term begins.

So every time when parting happens, I tell myself a fact, every story has a final. It could comfort me a little, maybe.

I fear of having feelings for someone. Presently I’m a man without love. I expect love. Meanwhile I daren’t fall in love. I know that we will leave each other one day. Unless there is a miracle between us. Your being my confidante is a miracle, may I wish another miracle happens? I have always been dreaming of you every night. What will be the next step?

That’s what a sensible man worries about. Not only himself, but also one deep inside of him.

And it seems no substitution yet.

 


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Like a Child

    Chinese people like festivals very much. Today is Children’s Day. However, it involves everyone, not only children and their parents. People even send short messages by saying Happy Children’s Day to each other. And they think that’s funny. Although knowing that they are not children any more, they still want to talk about this. They just want to be like a child.
    So how old are you?
    I’m nearly twenty-two years old. My childhood has left me long before. Never back again. What I can do at present is trying to remember more stories. My childhood was not free or happy. Parents kept a strict hand over me. Luxurious life, freewheeling play, etc., those what other children easily owned were never close to me. Every day a vesture of study accompanied me. I didn’t have much time to enjoy my childlike innocence. That’s simply torture. I learned much, while suffering much. Without a feeling of happiness, I appreciate those days all the same.
    Growing up day by day, I still yearn for that period, a light-hearted period. Unfortunately, I can’t reverse the time.
    Human beings sometimes are very silly. They forget the fact that time has to move forward.
    When someone is a child, he wants to be an adult. But when someone is already an adult, he misses his childhood very much. These two wishes can’t come true. Then regrets linger in his whole life. How miserable it is!
    Now I have a lot of free time of my own. Parents also give me more self-determination. But I couldn’t go back to those years. Everything is changing. I’m aware that I couldn’t be like a child any more. Even if one minute.
    Those childish memories often recur to me, whereas I could do nothing. I remind of myself ceaselessly that: Like a child, it’s my lifetime dream.
    Anyway, Happy Children’s Day to my little friends.


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Tonight I wanna cry

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There’s pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I’ll never get over you walkin’ away
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
But I’m just drunk enough to let got of my pain
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
But I’m just drunk enough to let got of my pain
From my eyes
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
Tonight I wanna cry
From my eyes
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you’re gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It’s gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I’ll never get over you by hidin’ this way
Tonight I wanna cry
I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
But I’m just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry


    I don’t know why. I just feel better when I listen to music. The most beautiful feelings come with me while songs playing themselves. Even that is, music gives me comfort and inspiration. No matter how my mood is, either happy or sad, I would like to feel the songs I like, especially when I think something.
   So, it is, this evening I want to cry, I listen to one of songs of Keith Urban, Tonight I wanna Cry. Again and again, without stop. Just feel the sound from my earphones. It’s very nice, I think. Though I don’t immerse myself in the happiness of long holiday.
    I am not delighted. I cannot.
    As May comes, we have a seven days’ holiday because of International Labor Day. China government call it golden week. People travel and play in this week. That’s visual and funny. However, I am very depressed these days. I don’t know what to do in this long holiday.
   Some go home, some travel in Beijing or other places, and some find part-time jobs. But what did I do on the past two days? I did day-dreaming in bed in the daytime, and surfed on the Internet at midnight. Then when the sun rose, I went to sleep. All of these are my recent life contents. It sounds too bad.
   But I have no other choice.
   This afternoon someone asked why I didn’t go outside to have fun. I just smiled and told him that I had a lot of homework to do. What a pretty lie!
   I have been getting ready for tomorrow’s dating. Maybe I could have told him that point.
  


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When Birthday Is Coming

When birthday is coming, I’m in hot water.

When birthday is coming, what shall I do?

Baby, please tell me. Because I don’t know what to do.

A week later, there will be my birthday- the day when I was given a birth.

At first, I must say "thank you" to Mum. Without her, I would have no chance to see this beautiful world.

Then I have to complain that time flies too fast. Unconsciously, a year has past. I cannot help amending the column of Age in variable documents. There will be one more man who is 21 years old  in Windows Live Spaces soon. Actually, I don’t hope it occurs.

It’s too surprising. I have no longing of this coming birthday. On the contrary, I get into meditation. Even I have been dreaming about something that could keep the birthday from coming. But I know it’s impossible. What I can only do is facing it. No escape, no complaint. Just wait for its coming.

When birthday is coming, I have several choices. I can give air to my birthday date. On that day I will receive some presents. I will call some friends to my party, saying" It’s my birthday, let’s celebrate!" Then spend an exciting night together with them. I can also choose to stay alone, while only food and beer accompany me. In addition, I can pretend not to remember that day. Letting it go by sounds nice.

Whichever choice it is, may every day look like before. Even if change is a must, gradually please.

Right now I was trying to count people who know my birthday. Five, ten or even more. It makes no sense. The crucial problem is that there is someone in your mind with whom you wish to share the special night annually, whereas she never yearns that. What a pity!

Today it’s much colder than last week, as a result of cold wave. The frozen heart would be more painful with the lower temperature.  Leaves fluttering to the ground bring to mind a classic movie, Gone with the Wind. Nevertheless, it’s predeterminate that you would never get this sad but beautiful love.

So bless myself! That’s the best choice.

And I am still singing" It was songs of love that I would sing to them

                                 And I’d memorise each word

                                 Those old melodies still sound so good to me

                                 As they melt the years away

                                 Every shalala every wo’wo still shines…"