In This Life

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.

I Wanna Get Back

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I wanna get back — this is my current MSN personal message. I typed it in MSN to let contacts see how I wanna get back.

Yes, I wanna get back. Though I just left there for fewer than three months. Every day, my mind helps me recollect memories of the right past several years on campus. But it can’t tell me how I wanna get back. No one knows my thirst for getting back. Even if they are my closest university friends.

One evening last week, I called one of my buddies at university when I was in a hotel’s room. A few hours ago, he sent me a short message to ask me whether I would go to Beijing to take my CPA test this year. And luckily, it’s free to make domestic long distance calls in the hotel. So I determined to rang him up and told him my plan.

After telling him I wouldn’t have free time to come for the test, we began to ask each other’s recent situation. To my surprise, I was told that some other buddies lived together with him in his rented apartment. But before, I thought he lived there alone. It means they being together again. They can get up together, go out together, drink wine together and play poke together. The most important thing is they can enjoy happy hours together again just like they did at university. It seems they get back to the dormitories of university. That’s so cool! After hearing that, I couldn’t help envying them.

They could get back to dormitory time. But to me, obviously, it’s impossible at all. In a city far from Beijing, I have to continue my life. Once one chooses to leave, it’s hard to get back. I’m clear about that. I just don’t reconcile to let it go.

So on the line, I was standing alone while they handed on the phone to one another in the other side. We burst into laughter at times while speaking each other’s ashamed things out. I just controlled myself keep high. I didn’t want them to hear me being unhappy. I laughed and laughed.

When they asked me when I would "travel" to Beijing, I replied that I would if only time was available. I meant to tell them I might not be able to come this year for busy working time arrangement. But I didn’t do that. Hope is important to us. We all have much hope of one day when we meet again. So why did I quench hearts filled with hope?

After experiencing many weeks without campus and buddies, I’m somewhat upset. I keep on warning myself to be placid. I need to relax. I need to accept what I see in my eyes. Many of my friends must know my will. Because I have been telling them I wanna get back to Beijing. And I wanna get back to the past more.

I’ll be back, may I?

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Author: jleecute

a native Chinese man who wants to know the world better -------- We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopeless is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.

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